Work - Life - Balance

Nearly ten years ago I walked away from the Fortune 100 corporate environment in technology to follow love and dreams. Started my own business with the thought that I'd have more time for real life activities...ha! Circumstances altered that path and for a while, after starting over in another state, I worked multiple temporary part-time jobs in other arenas besides the one that I cut my corporate teeth in. But the technology sector was where I knew my strengths and soon I was back in that field, but in a much smaller company. I thought the smaller size might make it more tolerable, might give me more satisfaction. I will say that being in a company where the owner walks up to your desk and asks how things are going does make a big difference. Talk about pressure! In the larger corporate environments, you are but a cog in a wheel - perhaps a well-paid cog, but people can come and go and not much changes. Not so in a tiny company. That lesson was hammered home again this week when our only qualified full-time Project Manager was abruptly fired for a conference call statement made in a moment of unthinking - a statement that cost the company a very large project and a big chunk of the projected revenue for the year. Now, in addition to my regular workload, I have inherited management of one of the projects as well. Hello twelve-hour work days without a lunch. Welcome back stress, someone I've been trying to avoid. Oh, and I have a few confessions to make: I like to do a good job. Quality is important to me. I have high personal standards and I expect others to have the same. I know people make mistakes, so when a mistake is made, admit it, own it and fix it. In these economic hard times, being employed is a gift in my opinion. I know so many that are not employed. I try to treat my employment with value; even though I seek to leave it in the near future I intend to do a good job until I do so.

And therein is the rub. For the short-term, I can handle this additional workload even though it comes at a cost - less time, more stress, more responsibility, less dollar-per-hour earnings (salaried workers don't get overtime). But how long do I give it? I figure it will take thirty days to locate, interview and hire a new PM.

LOL. I started this post back on February 29th. Needless to say, the 12 hour days turned into 14 hours or more, no lunches, working on Sundays and a complete aversion to computers once my work day was finally complete. I have a new thankfulness for Shabbat – a day I am commanded not to work. I was asked to put off my vacation plans and did so. Therefore, no trip to the farm to weed out items to sell or to keep and store, no time to revel in the spring in the countryside, no photo journal opportunities….and there still isn’t a PM hired (although I did apply for the position).

In the interim, I’ve turned fifty. Eldest Child turned twenty-four. Days have blurred together until I finally admitted that I. Can’t. Do. It. All. So contrary to my nature, I took bill-paying monies and popped for a two-night stay on the beach with Eldest Child to celebrate both of our birthdays. It was great. I buried myself in “The Hunger Games” trilogy (via my Kindle app on Android), lolled in the sun (and got burned), walked on the beach, and visited small amounts of my favorite Tequila, Tarantula Azul. It was heavenly. I also did a lot of thinking. I met some folks who frequent RV sites for the summer since they are retired. Learned of some awesome places up north that I’d love to spend some time workamping. But I have had absolutely zero time to even DREAM of my dream, much less put any active work effort towards implementing my REAL LIFE.

There are some benefits to being in Florida in the spring time. There are the gorgeous sunsets and huge, golden full moons. There are the opportunities (even if untaken) of fabulous star views above the gently splashing waves. The gentle scents of plumeria that make walking the dog just before bed a delightful sensory experience. New sand hill crane fledglings, rather like ducklings on stilts.

But spring in Florida also colors me with sadness and longing for my dead husband. It was our time of year to snatch up ‘local’ places for a weekend and take moonlit strolls on the beach; to spend countless hours looking for my favorite shells; to sit on a balcony with a cocktail and people-watch, making up stories of who they were or why they were here. Spring and fall are the two seasons that make the lack of a partner a painful thing, the awakening and the tucking in times of the earth.

However, I am not certain that I will ever consider a partner again. I simply don’t trust people any more. People seem unable to just be. Unable to just be themselves rather than a hyped-up version. Unable to just sit, and be still. And I feel disconnected from others because my lifestyle dreams, desires, eating habits, beliefs…are all so out of step with what is taken for ‘normal’ these days. Should I ever get to the point that I consider a partnership, I can’t even begin to fathom where I’d look, or where I would find the energy to burrow into someone’s mind to get to know their dreams, their desires, their passions. So, like other things, this thought just simmers on the back burner. I guess I just don’t want it to go unattended, like a simmering pot that suddenly burns dry and turns acrid and has to be tossed out.

I don’t want that to be me.

Fifty doesn’t seem to feel older; but I do hope that it begins to feel wiser. I want to regain the one thing that is mine, and that is time and space to care for me. This post is the beginning of that attempt, once more.

Have some matzo brie over a camp stove, and kick back for me.

~Sheket

Champagne taste on a water bottle budget...

Sunday was a very fun day.  A full-timer met me at the LazyDays showplace for a little knocking around, education and temptation.  Whooooeee.  I insisted on only canvassing the used area, thinking I would be safe.  Oh hell no.  I ooohhed and ahhhed over all the buttery leather trimmings, beautiful cherry cabinetry, finely wrought multi-toned flooring...and immediately forgot all of the goals that are driving this change.  Those little things like, oh you know, wanting to be DEBT FREE, lower my costs so that I can live instead of working all of the time, get myself out of the place where others are the primary drivers of my life-those things that are truly important.  By the time I left the lot three hours later, I was already calculatin' in mah head just how I could wrangle those payments.

Thankfully, after about 24 hours away from the formaldehyde fumes and the glitzy glam rigs, my pragmatism returned.  And my dearest and best friends waited it out before yammering at me about how ahem, things like buying to unwise limits got me into this fine predicament. They didn't even have to yell at me at all - which is a vast improvement over the last few years on my own.

So now I have some framework for what size living quarters I think I could handle, provided there is some outdoor space to relieve the friction of a small living. I know where I think I would like things positioned for full-time living in a rig for the time being.  From what others have explained, most likely that will change some after a time and I'll learn to change or to make changes.

I've done some smarter calculatin' and I believe with some well-timed decisions I can actually be debt-free by January 2013 and have my rig as well, paid for in cash. Nope, it won't be an Isata or the like, although I do admire their designs.  Most likely it won't be an Aspect either, although they have a very user-friendly floor plan.

It is hard for me to be patient.  But I know that there will always be rigs for sale at good prices.  All of them will not sell before I get my ducks all in a row (even if I have to keep reminding myself of these facts).  I've also turned my thoughts back to a towing vehicle and trailer.  There are more moderately priced options in that category.

It is difficult to change the way you make decisions.  Slick brochures and encouraging salespeople count on you to be swept up in the moment.  The ability to focus on what one truly needs can get lost in all of the hype.  I'm hoping that this baby step will lead to more and larger steps in the right direction.  For today, I am proud of myself.

Be well.

~Sheket

Personality Quirks

Well, I am so delighted to discover that the feeling I've had for most of my life, that 'alien other' thing, is related to a personality type!  Apparently we INFJ types are only 1-4% of the population, depending on which expert is expounding on the topic.  Whew, saves me from therapy costs.  The reason I feel out of kilter with others most of the time is simply because I AM out of kilter with others.  For years I have jokingly said that not only am I marching to a different drummer, but that drummer is in another band entirely and may even be on another field, coming to a  town near you...

I'm also feeling another load lifting; the load of  self disappointment and personal failure from having suffered writing-interruptus disease.  I wrote another blog for a short time and then I just quit. Part of that was due to the actual grief of my husband's death catching up with me and sitting smack on me. Depression has never been an acknowledged part of my internal make up. In fact, it took others pointing it out to me, so unfamiliar was the experience. I've actually been called 'Pollyanna' or 'the Eternal Optimist' by friends and family. There are worse name-calling experiences out there, so I'll keep these.

The other part of it was, well, I'm not sure yet. Fear? Lack of time? Procrastination?   I'm still working through this in my head (that's the place INTJ's spend the majority of our time anyway.)   Whatever it is or was, I accept that I stopped and started, then just stopped.  I accept that it may happen again  in the future.  It is difficult at times to both narrate life and to live it as well.  Sometimes the living gets in the way of the narrating.  The interesting thing is that I also stopped writing in my personal journals.  Hah!  Surprised are you, that one is writing for the world and also writing for self?  I'm not sure if other INTJ's maintain the constant conversations in their heads or not, but I have to write mine down to lower the level of noise banging around in there. Many days I probably would wear a "tilt" sign on my head were I a pinball machine instead of a person.

There is another burden that I am working through at this time, and that is yet another death.  The death of the dream of Sunflower Solace Farm.  Admittedly, it was a super-sized dream that I fully intended to manage in a bite-sized fashion, over years of time. The farm dream was long in the  mindscape in my head.  But the trigger, the sudden unexpected death of my husband and the mental inability to remain in the home where he died shot me out into the next stage of the dream very prematurely. So while my logical brain understands that decisions made under extreme circumstances will often fail, the striving emotional part of me is really struggling to come to grips with walking away from the place where my soul found solace, beauty and strength after the pain.


And then to top it off, there is the whole issue of learning to live with the pain of loss and the acceptance that it has changed who I am and how I perceive myself, as well as how I interact with others. I need some flux to weld the two forms of my life together so that I can continue to move forward.


Be well all.


~Sheket

The only thing constant is change.

After a wonderful and uneventful road trip to retrieve Eldest Child from the Outer Banks, I was stuck in down-time physical mode while the frantic activity of the previous weeks caught up with me.  Mentally though, I'm living in a full-tilt whirlwind. 


Decisions. Opportunities. Options. Realities.  D.o.o.r. s are opening.

These things I am learning, are all changeable.  One day's realities can change.  Fast.

I have a firm buyer for my little farm, contingent on financing of course. I am sad to see it go, but the financial realities are what they are.   This step will be one more towards living a life on the road, in nature, with less boundaries.  


The paragraphs above were written about a week ago, then 'stuff' came up. I want to write at least a few times a week.  But rather than not having enough to say, I have far too many thoughts.  So I'll give a buckshot overview for anyone reading.  They go like this:


I should definitely sell the property.
Maybe I could rent bits of the property to others like me and actually keep it.
Keeping it would enable me to keep storing my overbearing supply of stuff, which I really do not need.
How do you go from being a prepping kind of person to an only what you need for a few days kind of person?
What if the Middle Child and Last Child won't bring  Grandchild 1 and Grandchild 2 to Bubbe's because she has no house?
Wouldn't it be so cool to visit Bubbe wherever she is THIS year?
How many more days can I do this job that I am good at before I run screaming from the building because it is no longer what I want to do anymore?
I'll only need to style my hair if I'm working, and if I'm working I'll have hookups.  The rest of the time I'll have cute ball caps.
I think I'll practice living like I have only a 25 foot house.
How long WILL ice last in an Extreme cooler and will it cost less over a year than running propane/electric?
Will the books I want to lug with me cause the motor home to weigh too much?
Should I look at motor homes now even though I can't buy, or should I wait?
I can't wait to get out and go someplace new and do something new.
I can't wait until I don't have to do anything at any specific time and can enjoy the beauty of this country and Canada.


And around and around it goes!  These thoughts keep me awake at night.  Before I made this decision to live like I would actually like to live, I slept like a well-fed baby at night.  I make lists. Lists of things to get rid of.  Lists of things I already have that will work with this lifestyle change. Lists of stuff that looks cool but maybe I won't have room for.  Lists of places I'd like to see and experience. Lists of things that I must have.


(yawns widely)
I'm up past my bedtime.  Off to try to sleep.


~Sheket

So, what's with the dots in the title there?

Virgin blog space.  Rather like a new journal, but without the fear of leaving erasure marks or ink blots to mar the expanse of white. Crisp. Fresh. Unlimited.


Enough adjectives already. Geesh.


The title of this blog reflects the shift I am making in my own thoughts and how they will play out in the external world.




R eadjusting
E xpectations
A ttitudes
L imitations


L iving
I  ntently
F ully
E xpressively


The periods in the title are stops.  In order to appreciate good conversation, it is my belief that you also have to learn to enjoy good silence. Those stops in the words are my reminder to slow down, don't rush, but be present and engaged each day.  Plus, I thought they look catchy :)


I am about to transform my life, and you're welcome to come along.  I promise to write about the good and the bad, the expected and the unexpected.


Thanks for dropping by.


~Sheket